Old Songs Revisited

Autumn is a time when a dangerous emotion tends to sneak and coil into my musings: nostalgia, that old seductive euphemism for loss and regret. Maybe it's the quality of the slanting yellow light, the sudden chill in the air and the scent of woodsmoke in the evenings. Fall is such a wistful season.

Digging through boxes still left unpacked with Denny this past weekend, I discovered some very embarrassing early attempts at song-craft, visions of teenaged cliched angst too awful and humiliating to be reprinted here. Tonight though, on a break from recording new material for my full-time project, I found myself playing some other songs of a more recent vintage, folk songs I had written for prior bands, and myself, at the turn of this last decade. Many of them are admittedly just as awful as the fifth-grade radio-metal imitations, and in hindsight I find myself very glad to be expressing myself instead through instrumental music, poetry, and photography/film these days.

Five years is a long time, and though I'm still young, I find my singing voice (which I've never cared for in the least) has changed quite a bit since these songs were written. Gone is much of the Oberstian whining, replaced with a hoarse, huskier tone. I suppose this reflects everything that has changed in the past five years of my life. These songs are lived-in in a way they weren't before, as fresh, painful gashes. And the lyrics are just too personal to share on an Internet blog, or anywhere.

When I moved to Raleigh in 2008, in the wake of an aborted college career and an emotionally turbulent relationship, I was adrift and an outsider. Looking back on the lyrics of these songs, they're confrontational and angry in a way that shocks and saddens me now. I didn't realize as a vitriolic, outspoken twenty-four year old that all that seething was masking some serious fear, a serious sense of isolation. These songs pine nakedly for a Boone that was even then vanishing, for a love that was never the right combination of personalities to last, for a youth that was as impermanent as late spring snowfall and just as tempestuous. These songs lash out at everyone around me at the time, at a new town that didn't feel like home and where I didn't feel accepted, and at my own mistakes. I didn't realize that I was the one cutting myself off, retreating on my own terms, withdrawing from the world.

Having found a partner and a love again, seeing more success than frustration at last with music, all that fear and rage seem very foreign to me. These are bitter, unpleasant songs, lyrics that poured out of me like automatic writing, that I didn't analyze for content at the time but which now speak pretty deeply to who I was circa 2008-2010. I simply hadn't remotely figured out who I was yet.

The process continues, of course.

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A final thought - something strange occurred to me driving back late to Burlington from elsewhere last night. This city shuts down quite dramatically at 5PM on weeknights; the traffic lights downtown turn to flashers and the streets empty as if by some wicked magic. I came to this conclusion:

Burlington is a part-time apocalypse.

ZC

October Country

This is the time of year in Burlington when the days remain as hot as July's worst sweltering waves, but the nights are suddenly crisp and cool, a sort of first glimpse of the autumn lurking just over the edge of the calendar. At night in our upstairs bedroom with the windows open, the rich tang of burning fields carries on the gentlest breeze. A hint of woodsmoke and an imagined season of axes in blackened stumps and hot cider around campfires. Halloween is already lingering in the slanting yellow light, the darkening air of our patch of North Carolina.

Driving to Charlotte a couple of nights ago for a show, it occurred to me how vast and empty the highways in our state tend to be. None of the narrow serpentine curves and headlong traffic of the northern cities, just endless vistas of fields with the occasional neon sign sprouting on steel legs above a cluster of pines. Maybe it's that touch of sadness that creeps in with the coming fall, the lingering traces of bittersweet nostalgia in the atmosphere, but our interstates seemed to me lonely roads trailing off into the ether, a compass point reached and not returned from.

An Old House Seen In Passing

An Old House Seen In Passing

The empty house on the hill tips into the chill wind

like a ship crawling port-ward, listing drunkenly

in a vast-sea void of  tangled dry grass and 

dead barbed-wire fences,

The window-frames hollowed and vacant,

even the doors pried from their hinges

in the swirling backwash of drowned years.

In an upstairs room, a cracked mirror

hides unknowable depths, 

blinded by a yellowed sheet.

The boards warp and twist 

as the water bleeds across the sagging ceiling, 

and the doorways hold little

except the cold, and the hours. 

Tour Blog Wrapup

Hi everyone, 

Still exhausted and recovering from tour, so I'm going to make this 'wrapping up' blog entry fairly brief. This was definitely the most fun and headache-free tour yet, and I want to extend thanks once again to my tourmate Proud/Father (Sebastian Figueroa) for putting up with me so well for three weeks of constant travel.

The stories from this tour would take many, many blog entries to tell, and I alas am lacking the energy. But here are a few sentences about each place since the last blog posting, to give you a general overview of how things went down -

Winchester, Virginia - A fun night at a local bookstore capped with stellar performances from local avant-noise friends Guillermo Pizarro and Christopher S. Feltner. Photographed an incredible abandoned house outside of town and enjoyed the cool mountain air. 'Twas a most enjoyable, mellow day on the tour.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Indebted to Tibbie X (bassist for Reagan Youth) for letting us crash at her lovely apartment and enjoy conversation and guitar geekery. No show this evening, but I'm glad we stopped in Philly all the same. Tried to track down some Toynbee Tiles and failed, ah well. Philadelphia was still much fun.

Williamsburg, Brooklyn - Played on a rooftop (thirteen floors up!) with an incredible panoramic view of the Manhattan skyline. Despite the chilly winds and headache-inducing load-in/load-out procedure, was a great deal of fun with lots of awesome new friends. Special thanks to Alec Fellman for letting us crash, as well.

Bushwick, Brooklyn - Silent Barn! A slim turnout but still a fun noise set, and got to meet Ben Goldberg from one of my favorite labels, Ba Da Bing! Even sold him some jam. The Silent Barn folks were friendly and accommodating and the space was awesome. Thanks to Gio Andollo of GioSafari, and his awesome pug, for the hospitality in letting us crash that night in Harlem. Was very much appreciated.

Florence, Massachusetts - Spent the next two days at my aunt and uncle's lovely mountain home in rural western Massachusetts. Explored an abandoned quarry and an abandoned roundhouse, and had a fun night live on Valley Free Radio in nearby Florence. Was most surprised to see a Greenville friend, Matt Epstein, turn up at the studio to hang out with us! Weather was lovely, and family spoiled myself and my friend as usual. It was almost a shame to leave to head north.

Portland, Maine - SPACE Gallery, performed for a First Friday event while live yoga was conducted in front of us. An intriguing, interesting night. Was especially impressed by our local opener, Remy Brecht. Beautiful dark ambient washes. 

Providence, Rhode Island - Benefit festival at 95 Empire for Lisa Carver's son Wolf. Avant garde to the extreme. We were grateful for the hospitality of new friend and  ambient wizard Claudia for letting us stay where she was housesitting, a lovely suburban home where we were glad to recharge. Thanks for everything, Claudia!

Buffalo, New York - Probably my favorite night of the tour. TJ Borden's gloriously decaying Victorian manse had much to offer in terms of pure kindness and hospitality, and we were massively grateful. Buffalo seems like a spectacular town.

Coal Center, Pennsylvania - An amazing internet-based conceptual art performance from old friend NYKDLN (Scott Michael) kicked off this mellow basement show in coal country in western PA. Streamed the show live. Thanks to Derek Bendel for pulling it all together. The evening was beyond fun.

Cincinnati, Ohio - Steve Kemple runs an eclectic series of experimental music performances at the local main branch library, and we were stoked to be a part of it. Got to meet Jude from one of my favorite blogs, Half Gifts, which was a bonus. Cincinnati definitely treated us well, as did where we crashed over the river in KY.

Hazel Park, Michigan - Got to fiddle around on a Rhodes Mk 1 electric piano at this great cafe/artspace just outside of Detroit, and ran into a lot of old Detroit friends it was nice to see. Spent the next day photographing the largest abandoned factory in the world (the former Packard Assembly Plant). Detroit is always fascinating in its ruined beauty, and it's even more decayed now than when I was last here in 2011.

Chicago, Illinois - Living Room Visions friends David Seeber and Tyler Andere pulled this house show together, and it was a chance to finally meet longtime online friend Justin Mark Lloyd in person, as well. A rewarding night all around, and my first visit to Chicago turned out to be a stellar one. Thanks to David especially for being so kind and welcoming. We'll definitely be coming back.

Cape Girardeau, Missouri - A bar show put together by Wes Ables of Public Spreads The News turned our highest profit of the tour, and Wes and his crew couldn't have been more accommodating. Despite equipment issues, Wes had an incredible show that was definitely one of my favorites of the tour. A charming town.

Lexington, Kentucky - We were a bit late for this show due to the time change and regrettable roadwork, so a slim crowd turned out for us. Definitely the most challenging show of the tour. But hospitality prevailed and we spent a great night watching cheesy sword-and-sorcery films and oddball documentaries where we ended up crashing. I hope we can come back to do things more properly soon.

Asheville, North Carolina - So good to be back in NC! Got to see a lot of great Asheville friends, including some college pals who'd recently moved there. Static Age Records, the Moog factory, and other fun Asheville sights were beheld. Extra special thanks to friends David and Meghan (of the Divine Circles/Lunar Creature/US Christmas family) for providing us a comfortable couch to sleep on and a VERY friendly cat to share it with. One consistent thing on this tour, besides Dr. Bronner's in every shower stall, is the presence of friendly cats. This was the friendliest. 

Lansing, North Carolina - My friend and experimental bassist Nic Slaton runs a winery in this tiny NC mountain town, part of a larger artspace/hostel cooperative in an old elementary school known as Fort Awesome. Hanging out with childhood friend Tyler Davidson and Boone pal Jordan Barger made this night a special occasion and a lovely way to (almost) wrap up the tour. Laid back outside show.

Greensboro, North Carolina - At last, the end of the road, at Sam Martin's home in Greensboro, where my tapes were destroyed with a hammer and I was gratefully reunited with my wife and bandmate. A perfect end to a nearly perfect tour.

I'm sure I'll write more about this trek when I'm a little less exhausted, but for now, there it is. Check out some photos from the road here - https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10100805578820678.1073741853.29708910&type=1&l=94cab7872c and I'll be posting some performance photos and videos eventually, as well. 

This is the last tour for awhile, I think. I'm glad it was a fantastic one! Cheers, ZC

Day 1 - 3: Greenville, NC - Winchester, VA (Part One)

Hi folks,

My apologies for the lack of blogging lately. I’ve been getting ready for the tour I find myself currently enmeshed in, traveling the East Coast and Midwest for three weeks with my friend Sebastian, aka Proud Father, from the ruins of New Orleans.

As tours go, three days in everything is kosher and still fresh and fun, though I know exhaustion looms on the horizon like the scaffolding of some ominous pirate ship cruising hazardous waters. Our first day was spent in Greenville, NC at Rat & Slug, one of my favorite houses to play (and partially run by a friend from back home).

Rat & Slug is your typical punk house, a bit dirty (as the name implies), a bit precarious and crumbling, but warm and inviting nonetheless, a collapsing old house near campus surrounded by waves of wandering cats. My good friend Charles Wright offered blistering waves of harsh noise and destruction in a performance that left a lot of us jaw-dropped. Charles always seems to ‘trance in’ to his music, sipping tea and lighting incense while building stunning walls of pure sound fury. This was by far the most intense set of his I’ve seen, culminating in the demolition of a guitar neck violently hitting a metal canister. Our own sets went as well as first nights of a tour tend to do, a few minor equipment issues aside, and the night descended into DJ’ing and revelry. Rat & Slug is the perfect sort of low-key, friendly environment in which to begin a tour.

After a night on a floor we rolled back west for a stop at Scrap Exchange in Durham, my favorite junk store. Having gathered some amazing VHS/cassettes for sampling, and even a few gorgeous 35mm slides of a forested cemetery somewhere, we moved on to Richmond, Virginia, one of the most flat-out beautiful cities on the planet and one of my favorite places to play. The corner coffee shop we always begin our East Coast tours at is Globehopper, and it’s one of those half-discovered miracles of city life with delicious food and drink tucked away in an intriguing part of town. Another easy pair of sets and a little vegetarian Chinese food later, we drove north into the vast night to spend it on sleeping bags beneath giant oaks at a KOA Kampground near Fredericksburg.

Now we’re in the lovely, apple-obsessed mountain town of Winchester, Virginia, awaiting a show at Winchester Book Gallery (seriously, one of the most incredibly stocked book/record/video stores of all time) tonight with old friends Christopher Feltner and Guillermo Pizarro, two noise folks we’ve hosted in Burlington before. We’ve got a lot of time to kill in these pretty little town, so I’ll catch you folks later. Till then, ZC

PS - Photos pending. Already hit a sweet semi-abandoned stockyard and an abandoned house.

Pines

Hello folks,

I have a new instrumental folk side project called Pines. You can listen to the first song over at our new blog, www.pinesofnc.blogspot.com, and like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/pinesnc

More soon, thanks!

As Safe As Houses

This house warps and melts like a 

wedding cake in fragrant summer,

each molded corner bleeding into 

the door-frames.

All the furniture is hemmhorraging

its stuffing, regretful and dolorous.

We could peel strips of the faded hardwood

away with our fingertips,

grasping furtively some sense

of decayed mystery beneath the boards,

where the earth meets the hearth.

The fireplace is still choked with coal dust,

and there's pale squares

where paintings once hung

in lost days of antiquity. 

Even the windows,

with their burden of busy insects and

swiftly-rusting screens,

are a reference point in glass.